Hanukkah

While ur waiting, here’s the Wikipedia entry: Festival of Lights

Is there a War on Hanukkah?  Hmm…

Under development by a guest blogger.

4 Comments on “Hanukkah”


  1. The Chostilities Against Chanukah
    Written For and Performed On The Billy Sunshine Show
    Sundays, 3:00-5:00 PST
    On the Radio at AM-540 KRXA, Santa Cruz, and Streamed Live on the Internet

    War on Christmas? Bah Mr. Gibson… Humbug, Mr. O’Reilly. You know you created that phony issue to distract from the real culture war, The Chostilities Against Chanukah. That’s right all you gentiles and lapsed Jews who married shiksas… It’s pronounced Chanukah. It’s not HA-na-ka, or Ha NUK ah. It’s not Cha-cha-nukah. It’s CHanukah. CH… CH… CHanukah. Go ahead, try it. It’ll clear the flem out.

    And there’s the spelling. There’s only two ways to spell Christmas. But, Chanukah? Oy gevalt! Is it Ch or H? Two n’s or one? Two k’s or one? In English, there are at least 16 ways to spell Chanukah. You don’t believe what I’m telling you? Look it up at Biblical Holidays dot com. These spellings including: Kanukkah (the Ku Klux Klan variation) and Xanuka (the Black Muslim spelling).

    But even worse is the way Christians have co-opted the true meaning of Chanukah. First some background. About 2200 years ago, the Greeks entered Israel and demanded that the Jews bow down to idols and eat feta goat cheese, which revolted the Jews, who then revolted. They were led by a man called Judah the Hammer, a nickname later co-opted by Tom Delay… may he be circumcised tomorrow, without anesthesia. Anyway, the Jews won—as they always do when they’re not using an American battle plan—and regained the Temple. They could get only enough oil to keep the holy lamp burning for one day, but it lasted for eight days instead, such a bargain that Jews still talk about it for eight days every year during the holiday they named the Festival of Lights.

    Google “Festival of Lights” and an article about Chanukah will come up first. But look below that. There are Festivals of Lights in Niagara Falls, Springfield Missouri, (Nack-a-tish), Louisiana, Peterborough, Canada, and India, and take it from me you won’t find a single yarmulke at any of them.

    Right now, in Charleston, South Carolina there is a Festival of Lights underway. Some highlights? The image, created by thousands of lights, of a shrimpboat afloat on the horizon. How kosher of them and how thrilling, I might add. It also features Santa’s Incredible Gift Shoppe with their official 14-carat gold collector series Christmas tree ornaments all, no doubt, sold at retail. You’ll find more Jews in President Bush’s cabinet than you’ll find there.

    How about the Festival of Lights in Portland Oregon at The National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother? For entertainment, they feature groups like the Master’s Men and the Portland Boys Choir, thankfully not appearing on the same night. I’d rather hear the chazzan over at Beth Sholom sing Justin Timberlake’s “Sexyback.”

    For Christ’s sake—literally—Berlin, Germany, has a Festival of Lights, during which they illuminate the Brandenburg Gate, the symbol of Nazis power.

    At the Oglebay Resort outside of Wheeling, West Virginia, the Festival of Lights has been a holiday tradition since 1985. Display favorites include “Willard the Snowman,” named for the TV weatherman Willard Scott who turned on the lights in 1986. You think they’re fryin’ any latkes out there? Let me tell you, neither of the Jews in West Virginia is celebrating this Festival of Lights.

    I know. Last year, I visited the Oglebay Festival of Lights. For documentation, I brought along a professional photographer, my cousin Susan. The morning after celebrating the last night of the festival with some locals at a neighborhood bar, Susan and I woke up in bed together. There was a banjo between us, a trailer hitch on the back of my mom’s Lexus and a marriage certificate on the dashboard.

    But that’s a whole ‘nother story.

    Until next week, this is David Kleiner, telling you that the best Chanukah present anyone can give me is to give the gift of great music to yourself and your loved ones… a copy of my latest CD, “This Human Heart,” available at CDbaby.com/davidkleiner.

  2. dumb3ox Says:

    Thanks David! That’s hilariously good stuff… I, for one will indeed check out your CD!


  3. Thanks for publishing my commentary at https://waroc.wordpress.com/sharing-the-loveuh/hanukkah/. Can you please remove my e-mail address from the page?

    Thanks,
    David Kleiner

  4. Alex Says:

    [edit] The battle
    Being heavily outnumbered, Judah ignored the Seleucid infantry which had deployed in the slow moving and inflexible phalanx formation, instead launching an all out attack on Bacchides himself, who was part of the Seleucid cavalry squadron on the right flank of the army. They succeeded in quickly routing Bacchides’ cavalry, who fled into the steep hills that surround Jerusalem, with the Judeans in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, the left flank of Seleucid cavalry had been racing to meet up with the right flank, and in doing so surrounded and fought against the Judeans in the hills. The Seluecid infantry may or may not have caught up. If they did catch up, despite being unable to properly deploy in phalanx formation due to the terrain, and not being trained or equipped properly for individual hand to hand combat, they would still have managed to turn the battle easily with their sheer numbers. Judah was eventually killed and the remaining Judeans fled.

    Betzalel Bar Kochva, an Israeli historian, believes that the Judeans would have had equal numbers to the Seleucids in this battle, that Bacchides’ retreat was feigned in order to lure Judah into a vulnerable position, and that the Seleucid phalanx managed to best the Judean phalanx in a full-scale battle. It is noteworthy that he has no sources for this theory.

    [edit] Aftermath
    The Seleucids had reasserted their authority temporarily in Jerusalem, but Judah’s brother Jonathan and after him Simon, continued to fight, meeting Bacchides again in later battles. Eventually, after several additional years of war under the leadership of Judah’s brothers and the defeat of Bacchides several times by both Jonathan and later Simon, Seleucid control of Judea was broken. The descendants of Simon established the Hasmonean dynasty which, due largely to internal strife, would last only around 100 years.

    I think the Greeks were also occupied fighting Parthians in the Eastern part of the Seleucid Empire, which was in a state of decay at that time. They also were not Greek but mostly Western (Asia) troops of mixed origin… as opposed to the Easten Seluecid armies which did employ Greek and Macedonian troops. All were ,however, Greek led.

    However, ther Judaens did not win ALL of their battles, as you stated…and eating feta cheese would be an easy choice compared to motza balls…ugh!
    Further, if the Judaens really wanted to be heroes, they could have taken on Alexander…but, instead, they threw open the gates. to the city. Beats dying, huh?

    About Chanukka, I remember Xmas when I was young ,some 60 yrs. ago, Chanuka was a word seldom heard. The long faces of the Jewish kids at Christmas time really told the story of why Chanuka became such a big holiday…it was to compete with Christmas. C’mon. tell the truth. Now some would like to see Xmas go away, but it will not. The politically correct pooh is losing ground fast. And I thank Bill O’Reilly for his part in that…and Mr. Gibson for telling it like it is.


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