Archive for the ‘Holidays are for everyone’ category

WWLRHD?

December 14, 2006

SacredA new ad campaign sponsored by “WakeUpWalMart.com,” an anti-WalMart organization backed by the United Food and Commercial Workers Union asks “Would Jesus shop at Wal-Mart?”

If you are like us, you are outraged that a mainstream labor organization purporting to represent 1.3 million hard-working Americans would use a sacred religious figure to peddle a partisan political message.

Not when there are dozens of other religions out there with their own revered figures being denied their fair share of public defilement.

People in this country must stop behaving as if Christianity is the only faith practiced by Americans and start broadening their exploitation to include messiahs of other religions whose specific views on modern secular topics can’t possibly be known all for the sole purpose of furthering personal agendas.

For instance, why not run an ad campaign that asks what the Prophet Muhammed would think of trimming producer costs through the outsourcing of production to China given scripture that clearly denounces current Export-Import Bank policies? Or how about using Joseph Smith to promote more attractive flex-time wellness programs and lower prescription drug co-payments?

Yes, before we can consider ourselves to be a truly inclusive society welcoming of all cultures and beliefs, we must be willing to open our hearts as well as our minds to those who have been traditionally marginalized by the broader culture.

And hijack a wide range of theological teachings in a craven attempt to manipulate those of faith purely for personal gain.

For too long have we ignored the possible contributions L. Ron Hubbard could make if only we would be willing to use his name in support of accelerated depreciation schedules for capital investments in ethanol production or the Buddhist principles that clearly underly support for indexing the Alternative Minimum Tax to the CPI.

Surely in this season of brotherly love we can find it in ourselves to reach out and look to other cultures for new and innovative ways to serve our own self interest.

J.

Cross posted at Planet Moron.

They’re baaa-aaack. (The trees, that is.)

December 13, 2006

Buttonmen1
In an act as insensitive as it was non-inclusive, workers atSeattle-Tacoma International Airport began yesterday to defy management’s edict that all offense-causing Christmas trees be removed from the facility and started setting up their own Christmas-centric displays.

These wholly unsanctioned artificial evergreens, displaying no respect whatsoever for the fact that they do not directly aid in the celebration of holidays that are not Christmas, started appearing in places such as ticket counters which are leased by private companies and so beyond the reach of airport management.

As one writer pointed out, this is an international airport and so we must remove these “jingoistic billboards or anything that may offend someone from another culture.” After all, the last thing we want visitors to America seeing when passing through an American airport is anything having to do with America.

Except maybe for Starbucks.

As reported here on WOWOC over the weekend, the original decision to remove the trees came about after local Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky questioned the fairness of using public space solely for a display that would appeal to, at best, 90% of the American public. He did this in that grandest and most universally acknowledged of American traditions: By threatening a lawsuit. However, many local Jewish leaders were not happy with Rabbi Bogomilsky’s actions and the potential backlash with one noting, “This we do not need. Carter was bad enough. Now we have this too?”

As a result, Rabbi Bogomilsky dropped his threat to sue. Airport management then brazenly ignored the 0.1% of email strongly endorsing their position to remove the trees and once again reversed their decision, ordering last night that the peripatetic plastic plants be restored to the airport.

In addition to the renewed possibility that countless handfuls of airport patrons might take offense at these overt symbols of Christmas (assuming they have time between taking off their shoes, stuffing their shampoo into clear Ziplock bags and bidding a tearful goodbye to their checked baggage), there is the fear that this rebellion might spread beyond the Seattle-Tacoma area. What if people in Portland started running around setting up Christmas trees at local airports? Already there have been tannenbaum sightings as far east as Denver International where a panic nearly broke out over an early report that an actual nativity scene had been spotted next to an Au Bon Pain (but that just turned out to be an Amish family with a basket of croissants).

Burnxmastree What can you personally do to help put an end to this growing conifer crisis? Remove anything on your own property that could possibly be mistaken for a Christmas tree. Do you have evergreens of any kind? Burn them down just to be safe and replace them with Japanese maples or maybe a nice secular azalea. Under no circumstance should you leave any errant branches lying around lest a passing international visitor or other non-Christmas-celebrating individual mistake them for a festive garland and feel assaulted by your offensive display of tenuously-associated religiosity. As a further precaution, red bows are also to be avoided as are sleighs, wrapped presents and anything starting with “Yule,” including “tide” and “log.”

And for God’s sake, remember, it’s “Happy Holidays,” NOT “Merry Christmas.”

Because the only way we can possibly begin to learn to treasure the rich tradition of other cultures is to do our very best to pretend that we don’t have any.

Cross posted at Planet Moron.

Winter Season Carols For Everyone

December 9, 2006

No doubt you feel a little uneasy breaking out the old holiday classics in these multi-cultural times, what with their offending religiosity and culture-centric exclusionary references.

Well, now you can gather everyone around for a good old sing-a-long without fear of alienation as we have cleansed the lyrics of all potentially offensive content while still preserving the inherent charm of these festive tunes:

Bob Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Bob rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Carl, our friend next door
Went off without delay
To replace the beer we drank so far
When we got carried away
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy


Silent Night

Silent night, snowy night.
The trash can lids are all on tight
Round yon cul-de-sac, some neighbors riled
Wind had gotten the trash blowing wild
Thursdays are pick up day

Silent night, snowy night.
Yield to those, on the right
Hang your parking pass, on the rearview
It’s under the HOA’s purview
Just don’t block the driveways
Just don’t block the driveways


The Chestnuts Song

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Using grates purchased from Lowe’s
It’s right next to Best Buy which had flyers
So I picked up a set of Bose.

Everybody knows a turkey
And some mistletoe
Is cheaper down at the Sam’s Club
Tater tots are best found at Costco
Where you can get a decent sub


The Night Before Last

‘Twas the night before last, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The dryer was running, set on permanent press.
In the hopes that once done, we could easily get dressed

The children were all nestled, it being so late,
I made sure to set the thermostat around 68;
So mamma with her remote, and I with a big yawn
Settled right in, for Spike’s Clint Eastwood marathon.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Turned out the wind had blown down my old ladder
So I went back to bed knowing all was all right
And watched Dirty Harry get into a firefight


Deck The Halls With Old Nurse Holly

Deck the halls with old nurse Holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Now there’s a reason to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

We can stop our medication,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
To heck with hospital administration,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Hurry, the orderlies are coming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
If we get caught we’ll all be bumming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Voices in my head are saying,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Sing some words that have no meaning,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fa la la hahahahahahahhahaaaaa

Cross posted at Planet Moron

Merry Smithmas……

December 8, 2006

Here at wowoc, our crack staff of ex pages and interns don’t want to leave any IED’s ( Interpetations of Every Denomination) left uncovered in this War…….

We have ur Pagans,

ur Atheists,

ur Christians,

ur General non-belivers

So welcome our newest combatants……The Former Mormans…..

so…..MERRY SMITHMAS TO ONE AND ALL

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At the Salamander Society we’ve found the largest collection of Smithmas songs, poems, and general history anywhere. This is a big deal considering we just discovered them this morning. Were telling you….these people have checked their list twice!

I’ll be Home for Smithmas

12/01/2006 – Grape Nephi

I’ll be home for Smithmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and green Jell-O
for your RM just me

Smithmas Eve will find me
Home Teaching Brother Gleams
I’ll be home for Smithmas
If only in my dreams

PLUS……the best side by side comparison of Santa and Jesus you’ll find outside of the bible……..uh…..or in the Bible.

Jesus & Santa in the Scriptures

12/13/2002 – by anonymous

Jesus Christ Santa Claus
Has white hair like wool (Rev 1:14) Has white hair like wool
Has a beard (Isaiah 50:6) Has a beard
Comes in red apparel Isaiah (63:1-2) Comes in red apparel
Hour of His coming is a mystery (Luke 12:40; Mark 13:33) Hour of his coming is a mystery
Comes from the North where He lives (Ezekiel 1:4; Psalm 48:2) Comes from the North where he lives: North Pole
Is a carpenter (Mark 6:3) Is a toy carpenter
Comes as a thief in the night (Matthew 24:43-44) Comes as a thief in the night. Even gains entrance to homes as a thief.
Omnipotent — all powerful (Rev 19:6) Omnipotent — can deliver all the toys of the world in one night
Omniscient — knows all (Hebrews 4:13; 1 John 3:20) Omniscient — knows if you have been good or bad, for the entire year
Omnipresent (Psalm 139:7-10; Ephesians 4:6; John 3:13) Omnipresent — sees when you wake or sleep. Has to be everywhere at once to be able to deliver all the toys in one short night.
Ageless, eternal (Rev 1:8; 21:6) Lives forever
Lives in men (1 Cor 3:16; 2 Cor 6:16-17) Lives in the hearts of children
Giver of Gifts (Ephesians 4:8) Giver of Gifts.
Absolute Truth (John 14:6) 14. (1 Tim 1:4; 4:7; 2 Tim 4:4) Absolute Fable –
Sits on a throne (Rev 5:1; Heb 1:8) Sits on a throne
We are told to boldly go to the throne of Grace for our needs (Heb 4:16) Children are bidden to approach his throne to ask for anything they want
Commands children to obey parents Tells children to obey parents
Wants little children to come to Him (Mark 10:14) Bids children to come unto him
Judges (Rom 14:10; Rev 20:2) Judges whether you were good or bad
Everlasting Father (Isa 9:6; Heb 12:2) Father Christmas
Christ Child (Matt 1:23; Luke 2:11-12) Kris Kringle (means christ child)
Worthy of Prayers and Worship (Rev 5:14 Hebrews 1:6) Prayers and worship to “St. Nick” by children
Lord of Hosts (Mal 3:5; Isa 8:13; Psalms 24:10) Lord over a host of elves – (In Druidic religion, elves are demons or tree spirits
God says, “Ho, ho … (Zechariah 2:6) Santa says, “Ho, ho, ho …”
Prince of Peace, the Image of God (Isa 9:6; Hebrews 1:3) Symbol of World Peace, the image of the Christmas Season

Little is known about the LDS……but then we didn’t know much about Druids before we declared this war on the War on Christmas.

We welcome these folks into the fold…………………..

This has been a presentation of the Coalition
Of the War On the War On Christmas.(COWOWOC)
We represent Dozens a gross of Bloggers who
will not stand buy and let the reason
for the season be.
(UNLESS YOU WORK AT BEST BUY)
If you would like to participate by crossposting
articles from your own blog….be on our blogroll, or invite us to be on FOX or CNN
CONTACT:
Dumb Ox News
OR
Stikguy at
stikguy@stiknstein.com

HappY (C)hanukkah!

December 6, 2006

Crossposted at:
Woman Honor Thyself

Gather round friends…story time.
(Got ya popcorn?..Tis a looooooooong one. Heh) ssshhhh.gif

Once upon a time in Israel..ahem ..sorry..at that time known as “Judea” (I know, I know..so technical!)..the Jewish people, who were farmers, and shepherds (that’s right..not doctors and lawyers).. were ruled by various kings and made pilgrimages to the stunning Temple in Jerusalem on holidays.

The Temple was a magnificent sight to behold: gold crowns and gates covered with gold and silver. Imagine.

There was a light that perpertually burned, and a gold vine with gold leaves and grapes hanging from it. Imagine.

The Jews, led by the high priest, prayed to just one God, unlike others who worshipped idols and many Gods.

All were living in peace until one fellow, a Greek, by the name of Antiochus the Fourth, began to rule Judea. (You know the Sadaam, Osama type..not content unless he’s beheading…) iranani.gif

He wanted the Jews to adopt Greek names, and of course Greek culture.

With his army, he stormed the city of Jerusalem.

On the holy Sabbath, they tore down the city walls. The Jews wouldn’t fight back on the day of rest, thus thousands were killed.
Homes were burned to the ground. Women and children were sold as slaves.

One fine day, the king’s men set up their idol and asked an old priest named Mattathias to worship it.

Mattathias refused. (That’s right Libs…he refused.) jewish.gif

He then threw down the idol and cried out, “Whoever is for the Lord our God, follow me!” (In other words, Your’e either with us or against us!..sound familiar?)

jewishnice.jpg

His five sons and many other Jews followed him.

Now remember sweet friends, The Jews were farmers and shepherds, not exactly your typical warriors.

But they fought like brave soldiers under Mattathias. When Mattathias died, his son Judah became their leader.

Judah was called the Maccabee, the hammer. The people who fought with became known as the “Maccabees.”

Antiochus sent his best generals with large armies to fight the Maccabees. The armies came with bows, arrows, weilding their swords, horses, and even armored elephants. (who knew they had armored elephants.yikes)

For one battle, slave traders even came along leading empty wagons.

They had grand plans to take the beaten, frightened Maccabees and sell them as slaves as well. ( a tad presumptuous, wouldn’t ya say?)

Never happened.

In the very last battle, there were more than six of the enemy for each Maccabee. But still, the mighty army of Antiochus was beaten by the Maccabees.

The Maccabees rushed to the Holy Temple. They wished so badly to light the permanent light but found just one small jar of oil, enough to burn for only one day.

hanukkah-men.jpg

But the oil in that small jar burned and burned and kept burning. The oil that was enough for one day burned for eight days.

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The stunning Holy Temple in Jerusalem was once again truly a House of God. The Jews celebrated and partied for eight days.

Judah the Maccabee declared that every year, an eight-day holiday would be celebrated. The holiday was called Hanukkah, which, in hebrew, means “dedication.” It celebrates the day the Temple was rededicated to God.

I don’t know bout y’all , but I see some eerie, striking parallels and similarities in this story.

We are fighting Evil my friends…and………..

We shall overcome.

Happy Chanukkah to one and all!

Only 11, 17, 20, or 21, shopping days left until your chosen holiday assuming you celebrate one which is still completely cool if you don’t!

December 4, 2006

This is a treacherous season for those of us who do not wish to unwittingly cause offense to someone and thus become caught up in the withering crossfire of the “War on Chirstmas.” To help you traverse this cultural battlefield unscathed, we offer the following guidance:

Conversational Tips:

NO: I’ve always considered Jesus, our Lord God in heaven, to be my personal Savior.
YES: I’ve always considered Jesus, the day worker at the 7-11 parking lot, to be my personal gardener.

NO: Have you heard the word?
YES: Have you heard the score?

NO: What did Santa bring you?
YES: What did UPS bring you?

NO: Watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” really makes you think about things.
YES: Watching “Mission Impossible III” really makes you think about getting a 56” plasma TV.

NO: What Would Jesus Do?
YES: What Would James Baker Do?

GREETINGS:

Merry Christmas! Too Christian.
Happy Holidays! Too alliterative.
Happy Winter Solstice! Too Druid.
How about them Colts? Perfect.

GREETING CARD ILLUSTRATIONS:

Santa and his elves: Too Christmasy.
Santa and his Chinese prison factory workers: To preachy.
Santa and the staff at Hooters: Too sexist.
Santa and the staff at Hooters wearing pink Breast Cancer Awareness ribbons: Perfect.

MUSIC:

Silent Night: Too religious
O Tannenbaum: Too German.
The Hanukkuh Song: Too Happy Gilmore.
Anarchy in the UK: Perfect.

CHARITABLE GIVING:

Catholic Church: Too Catholic
Episcopal Church: Too Catholic
Scientology: Too Thetan.
Extra Tip For Your Bartender: Perfect.

OFFICE DECORATIONS:

Crucifix: Too Republican.
Mkeka and kinara: Too Democratic.
Blank: Too Libertarian.
Beer Events Calendar: Perfect.

LAWN DECORATIONS:

Nativity scene. Too Jewish.
Oversized copy of the Bill of Rights. Too ACLU.
Black Christmas tree with skull ornaments: Too Goth.
Two gnomes sitting on a mushroom reading the latest Michael Crichton novel: Perfect.

Cross posted at: Planet Moron.

Happy Chrisnakah…or is it Chanamas?

December 4, 2006

chanukahjewishsnowmansmall.jpg
By Angel Crossposted at: WomanHonorThyself

O gosh do ya hear the naysayers already.. Kvetching (ask yer Jewish friend..heh) and whining…I haven’t even gobbled down the last of my candy corn Halloween candy, haven’t finished mah leftover stuffing from Thanksgiving, thanksgivingey.gif and already the stores are booming Rudolph and Frosty tunes. Oiy. xmassantamean17.gif What is it about all the beauty of the season that some people just can’t stomach eh. To much stuffin thanksgivingk2.gif and candy corn mebbe. Well, just in case you don’t celebrate Christmas..(gasp…yup not everyone does)..can you not wish someone a MerryChristmas anyway? christmassanta3_tn.gif Let’s follow the logic shall we. Next time your’e havin a really bad day…don’t even think about telling someone elso to “have a nice day”!..After all, yours was inescapably ruined right? But, I digress. Anyone rememba what happened last year at this time? jewishchanukahqq.gif Just when it seemed that the much-ballyhooed “War on Christmas” had run its course, the battle seems to have opened up a new front: Hanukkah.

…on December 12, the Tennessee chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union sent a letter to Governor Phil Bredesen urging him to remove a Hanukkah menorah from the state capitol in Nashville. (What?..You don’t rememba that?..shame shame) jewishhanukah.gif And Now, the War on Hanukkah It isn’t even the first time the ACLU has challenged a Hanukkah display. In the late 1980s, the organization challenged a menorah erected outside the Pittsburgh city-county building. The case ultimately reached the Supreme Court, which affirmed the constitutionality of the display.

Ok. Ok. Ok. So maybe its not a full fledged War on Chanukah with all the trimmings (heh) xmas-ani-uddy.gif Can we at least call it a “skirmish”, mini-battle, scuffle, tussle,what? Whether they’re gunning for Christmas or Chanukah….friends…. Just remember… Christmas and Chanukah both convery hope in times of deep despair. It’s about miracles my sweet friends. War…skirmish….whatevah… Nah… Angel says: It’s all about the miracles. cross-posted at Woman Honor Thyself

This has been a presentation of the Coalition Of the War On the (COWOWOC). We represent Dozens a gross of Bloggers who will not stand buy and let the reason for the season be lost. (UNLESS YOU WORK AT BEST BUY) If you would like to participate by crossposting articles from your own blog….be on our blogroll, or invite us to be on FOX or CNN CONTACT: Dumb Ox News OR Stikguy (from Stiknstein… Has No Mercy!) at stikguy@stiknstein.com