No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus

26953452With his obvious love of food and thick white beard, veteran Commack School District bus driver Ken Mott already looks the part, but apparently took things a bit too far for one parent who complained that the
Santa hat that he wears
on his route this time of year was upsetting his child who does not believe in Santa Claus.

So his supervisors told him to take it off.

Naturally, you are outraged at this latest action in the The War on Christmas. How on earth can these supervisors possibly think that telling Mr. Mott to take off his Santa hat will be nearly enough? Not when a single child might still find offense.

That is why, rather than give in on the issue and let him wear his hat, we instead call on the Commack School District to make the following demands of Mr. Mott:

  1. Shave.
  2. Absolutely no “being jolly” while on duty.
  3. If laughter does prove necessary, ensure that your belly
    in no way shakes “like a bowl full of jelly.”
  4. If said shaking persists, begin Atkins immediately.
  5. Saying “ho ho ho” is absolutely prohibited (unless
    quoting Jay-Z).

Finally, Mr Mott should re required to write an editorial for the school newspaper:

No, Virginia, there is no Santa Clause

Your little friends are right. They have been informed by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think rightly that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their minds. All minds are grand. In this small universe of ours man is a giant, in his intellect, as compared to the puny world around him, as measured by his ability to fully grasp the whole truth and knowledge.

No, Virginia, there is no Santa Clause. He’s a myth as certainly as love and generosity and devotion are myths, and know that they are absent and provide you no beauty and joy. Alas! How joyful would be the world if there were a Santa Claus! There would be childlike faith then, poetry, romance to make tolerable this existence. We would have enjoyment beyond sense and sight. The eternal light of childhood that once filled the world would be relit.

Believe in Santa Claus! You might as well believe in fairies! You can get your papa to hire men to watch all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, and when they do not see him what does that prove? That he does not exist! The only real things in the world are those that children and men can see.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, and that tells you all you need to know. Only clear visual evidence and material understanding can readily tell us about the world. Is it all real? In this world, yes, as long as you can measure and test it. No Santa Claus! Of course not! He’s dead, and has been dead forever. A thousand years from now, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to be dead.

J.

Cross posted at Planet Moron.

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