Winter Season Carols For Everyone

No doubt you feel a little uneasy breaking out the old holiday classics in these multi-cultural times, what with their offending religiosity and culture-centric exclusionary references.

Well, now you can gather everyone around for a good old sing-a-long without fear of alienation as we have cleansed the lyrics of all potentially offensive content while still preserving the inherent charm of these festive tunes:

Bob Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Bob rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Carl, our friend next door
Went off without delay
To replace the beer we drank so far
When we got carried away
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy


Silent Night

Silent night, snowy night.
The trash can lids are all on tight
Round yon cul-de-sac, some neighbors riled
Wind had gotten the trash blowing wild
Thursdays are pick up day

Silent night, snowy night.
Yield to those, on the right
Hang your parking pass, on the rearview
It’s under the HOA’s purview
Just don’t block the driveways
Just don’t block the driveways


The Chestnuts Song

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Using grates purchased from Lowe’s
It’s right next to Best Buy which had flyers
So I picked up a set of Bose.

Everybody knows a turkey
And some mistletoe
Is cheaper down at the Sam’s Club
Tater tots are best found at Costco
Where you can get a decent sub


The Night Before Last

‘Twas the night before last, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The dryer was running, set on permanent press.
In the hopes that once done, we could easily get dressed

The children were all nestled, it being so late,
I made sure to set the thermostat around 68;
So mamma with her remote, and I with a big yawn
Settled right in, for Spike’s Clint Eastwood marathon.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Turned out the wind had blown down my old ladder
So I went back to bed knowing all was all right
And watched Dirty Harry get into a firefight


Deck The Halls With Old Nurse Holly

Deck the halls with old nurse Holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Now there’s a reason to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

We can stop our medication,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
To heck with hospital administration,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Hurry, the orderlies are coming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
If we get caught we’ll all be bumming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Voices in my head are saying,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Sing some words that have no meaning,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fa la la hahahahahahahhahaaaaa

Cross posted at Planet Moron

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