Only 11, 17, 20, or 21, shopping days left until your chosen holiday assuming you celebrate one which is still completely cool if you don’t!

This is a treacherous season for those of us who do not wish to unwittingly cause offense to someone and thus become caught up in the withering crossfire of the “War on Chirstmas.” To help you traverse this cultural battlefield unscathed, we offer the following guidance:

Conversational Tips:

NO: I’ve always considered Jesus, our Lord God in heaven, to be my personal Savior.
YES: I’ve always considered Jesus, the day worker at the 7-11 parking lot, to be my personal gardener.

NO: Have you heard the word?
YES: Have you heard the score?

NO: What did Santa bring you?
YES: What did UPS bring you?

NO: Watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” really makes you think about things.
YES: Watching “Mission Impossible III” really makes you think about getting a 56” plasma TV.

NO: What Would Jesus Do?
YES: What Would James Baker Do?

GREETINGS:

Merry Christmas! Too Christian.
Happy Holidays! Too alliterative.
Happy Winter Solstice! Too Druid.
How about them Colts? Perfect.

GREETING CARD ILLUSTRATIONS:

Santa and his elves: Too Christmasy.
Santa and his Chinese prison factory workers: To preachy.
Santa and the staff at Hooters: Too sexist.
Santa and the staff at Hooters wearing pink Breast Cancer Awareness ribbons: Perfect.

MUSIC:

Silent Night: Too religious
O Tannenbaum: Too German.
The Hanukkuh Song: Too Happy Gilmore.
Anarchy in the UK: Perfect.

CHARITABLE GIVING:

Catholic Church: Too Catholic
Episcopal Church: Too Catholic
Scientology: Too Thetan.
Extra Tip For Your Bartender: Perfect.

OFFICE DECORATIONS:

Crucifix: Too Republican.
Mkeka and kinara: Too Democratic.
Blank: Too Libertarian.
Beer Events Calendar: Perfect.

LAWN DECORATIONS:

Nativity scene. Too Jewish.
Oversized copy of the Bill of Rights. Too ACLU.
Black Christmas tree with skull ornaments: Too Goth.
Two gnomes sitting on a mushroom reading the latest Michael Crichton novel: Perfect.

Cross posted at: Planet Moron.

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Explore posts in the same categories: Holidays are for everyone, Reason for the Season

2 Comments on “Only 11, 17, 20, or 21, shopping days left until your chosen holiday assuming you celebrate one which is still completely cool if you don’t!”

  1. dumb3ox Says:

    Too…much! Hilarious. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  2. waroc Says:

    dude ……nailed it


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